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Sunday, August 4, 2013

The Prisons of Our Minds or Freedom From It

I am one of Top Bunkie's older sisters. I started this blog for her not long after she first "Flew Over The Chain Link". She had moved to Texas by then and was living near our other sister trying as she might, to get away from influences that were too tempting. She was scared and lonely. She was using a cell phone and whenever I would call, she would tell me she didn't have very many minutes left. I wanted to talk freely to her, so I set her up with an unlimited use land line and had her computer linked to it. A mutual friend funded the initial set up and I made sure her bill was paid every month. A small price to pay to be able to talk as long as we wanted to. We sometimes talked off and on all day. Believe it or not, over the phone, she and I worked together to get this blog up and running and her able to navigate the ins and out of the interwebby enough to see what she was doing. She had never had or used a computer of her own up to this point and it was boosting her morale and self confidence, and delighting me to see her feeling happier. She loved the sound of the computer booting up. She couldn't wait to get up and see if she had any emails. (You have to have something to get up for.)

My beloved lost sister is one of the saddest testaments to our bankrupt society. She should never have gone to prison. She needed love and understanding and help.

I'm her sister and knew her her whole life. As a tiny little girl she had mental anguish issues. She started out her life, fearing the future and trying desperately to control internal turmoil with things outside of herself. What we didn't know (as a society) then for helping people with this kind of mental suffering is part of what skewed her lifelong journey and left her, as Dr. Gabor Mate says, "In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts". She could never satisfy the disturbances in her brain and no one knew how to help her. It's a tragedy, heartbreaking beyond tolerance.

This blog is just a little glimpse into the talent and beauty of her. She was wonderful, and sorely to be missed. She had come back to where I live a few months before she left us all. We had some wonderful times, loving each other and being glad to be together again. It will be my life's biggest regret that I "encouraged" her to go to Texas in the first place.

What I have learned about addiction is that the best hope for anyone to recover is for them to be loved just exactly as they are.  I wasn't always able to do it. I wanted to, but it is very hard indeed. When you see a loved one suffering, you want to "fix" them. Have the answers. Find the cure. She loved me for my attempts to help.  It is unconditional love that can work miracles. Any kind of stress is the worst possible crippler . Treating someone in this condition to prison, should be a crime.

I saw the lead picture today on a blog entitled Suspension of Disbelief. I follow  Cristian Mihai and enjoy his writing.

Up until just recently, now nearly six months since her passing, I have been unable to believe I won't see her drive "Mitzi" (her little white Mitsubishi truck) up to my gate and see her and her flaming burgundy-red hair dance out of her car and up to me and hear here say, "Hi Says!". That's what she called me.

If only she could have found a place in her mind to go that felt safe and peaceful. If only.

I will miss her forever or until we are joined in Heaven. It will be a great day indeed.

I miss you so much, Poopsie.

Love, Says

Monday, June 4, 2012

Running In The Pod With Shower Shoes


     I had always been into working out; used to run 5 K.s back in the day (even made my sis do one with me that I have a picture to blackmail her with). So to keep my sanity, I decided to start running around the POD! It was very small. I would run and count my laps and when it got to 1000 I went by the clock yes, we even had a clock. Joy, joy. Nothing like watching the minutes click by while you’re in The Waiting Place…..
     I would run until I felt the “runner’s high” (anything to get a lift in my mind and spirit).
     I don’t know about you out there, but I believe my mind is missing an enzyme that it needs to function properly.  I have abused myself to prove this wrong but it comes down to the same realization, something is not quite right! Lord, take the madness. Too bad I won’t let go to let God.  That’s a hard one. To completely surrender yourself to Faith is a little tough. You tend to backtrack when you don’t even realize it.  But God is good. I just have to get out of my own way, easier said than done, and go through the door that he has opened for me. I think I try too hard and blow it out of the water.  Can you relate?  Does anyone out there have a similar dilemma? I wish you would let me know. I would love feedback.
     So to finish my story…. My feet were breaking down because we only had shower shoes; but being determined, I put a Kotex in each shoe and it was wonderful for a minute (until I kept getting busted for being out of compliance and using prison property wrongly)…But I stood tall and defied them.  Somehow they knew I would go insane without my running..

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Please Release Me, Let Me Go

Photo link: http://www.storypeople.com/

     My bail was set at $25,000. I had 10 felonies, yes 10!  I was hoping the Judge would “maybe please” let me out on my own recognizance. My hair was growing out silver; pretty if you like to look older than you feel. I think I’ve mentioned I had just turned 51 fifteen days before my arrest.  I was feeling very ugly in mind, spirit, and appearance. I’ve always been concerned with my looks. God forbid you don’t stay as beautiful as possible.  You see, I have always compared my looks with my worth. One of many disillusions I have. Not a happy way to live. I wanted to be TWIGGY from the 60’s. I thought she was It; and because of that, I ended up anorexic and bulimic. I’m still working on the eating issue. Heck I’m still working on everything about me and life. Ideally I’m still 13 years old.  That’s when I started drinking to run from reality; and as you can see it went further than that.
     So much I need to work on in my ripe young age!
     The Judge said, "I DON’T THINK SO!" (As far as for my own recognizance).
     I was devastated and when taken back to the POD, I begged the officer to hand cuff me to a pole outside so I could have a cig. (stay tuned for a story about another pole). PLEASE, let me have just one cig. ‘NOT So MUCH!  One of many phrases I picked up while on vacation.  I like to refer to my absence from life as a long vacation.  What are you suppose to say, the truth?  The truth will be very evident when you start applying for jobs. You play, you pay!
     Oh, the Places You’ll Go! Again, Dr. Seuss.  You must read that book!
     I went back to the break room, in tears.  I realized again how much trouble I was in.  I was scared…and felt as alone as a person can feel.  I couldn’t run to any of my quick fixes, other than eating everything in sight when chow was brought. But then I’d get FAT….NO….not happening! So, I fought daily to not have food be my only happiness. It’s funny how everyone seemed to be able to content themselves except me. 
     I never wanted to play cards much, except the game where you’d shuffle, split and the other person would count the cards and, with their list could tell you who was thinking of you, who loved you etc…It was fun to pretend.   
     I had a terrible time reading without glasses so I would hope to find large print books.   
     As some of you might know, there is just too much time to think of the mess you’re in and the eventual outcome.  I don’t mean to sound so un-funny in my writings but remembering it in sequences does bring on a SLUMP!  (More Dr. Sssss)
     OK, enough of that. Let’s see if I can find a positive ending for this blog. I think this is funny:  An addiction is anything that has more power over you than you do.  When you stop drinking, drugging, you have to deal with this marvelous personality that started  you doing it in the first place.  Alright, not so funny.

Luv, Top Bunkie
If you can't laugh at yourself...who's gonna?
My sister did this to me.
The day of my release.
The Bubble is about to burst! Reality now.
Bubble burst, now to clean up the "mess"!

Monday, May 28, 2012

Get Up, You Ain't Hurt

Rude Awakening: County time

     Waiting, waiting and more waiting to see what you’re really in for; no pun intended.  I remember when I got arrested I was not thinking of the extent of what was to come. Reality hadn’t set in yet. I was busy soaking in the whole process of being processed.  I started to get sober and then I knew this was not going to be enjoyable. I had no idea…. I had acquired sprained or bruised ribs beforehand and was very uncomfortable. Oh well; get over it! The next day, they had to transfer me to a different county about an hour or more away. So goes the whole process again. My new home, county jail! If I remember right I spent 6 months in county or more. I try not to think about it.


     Welcome to the world of gray.  I was taken to “the pod” to be stared at and judged by all. By then I was starting to feel the effects of no chemicals in my body.  I was getting Sober! SON. OF. A. BITCH. EVERYTHING'S. REAL.  With my hurting ribs I was blessed to get the Top Bunk.  Not funny!  Nothing like trying to jump up on a top, hard bunk with no sheets, no pillow, just good ole gray plastic, afraid that you’ll step on the Bunkie below, whom you know not.  Please let it be someone nice.

     Hey Readers of One Flew Over The Chain-Link, let’s play a game?  During the time you were on “vacation” how many Bunkies did you have? Let’s count and compare.
     They say variety is the spice of life. It did keep things a little more interesting.  This is a good game to play when you’re about to be released and you’re in THE WAITING PLACE. (refer to “Oh, the Places
You’ll Go!” By Dr. Seuss)   
     I do have to say most of my Bunkies were very bearable, save one who I will make a whole separate post on later, Momma Rosa. (stay tuned)  
     Some were very near and dear (for a minute) but all were a teacher one way or the other and most were not to be trusted.  This you found out too late, all part of the learning, ha! It’s so nice to be able to laugh about it now.

     See you all again soon.

Luv, Top Bunkie

Monday, May 21, 2012

‘Scuse Me While I Miss The Sky

To all of you that have and maybe are behind the chain link, I hope that my writing will be of worth to you. It will be cleansing  for me.
I didn’t realize at the time that my stint …2½ yrs. could have affected me so much, but it certainly did and has. Remembering the way I felt, the inability to be me, to have to play games to make sure all was in harmony…Wearing orange, seeing orange. Everything was orange and grey. Very depressing. I feel a lot from what my eyes see and if it is not pleasant, I get depressed; kind of like people that need sunshine.
I know if you play you’ll pay so I was alright with my downfall but it never goes away. I got out, or should I say I flew over the chain link in 2010. Not so long ago but I’m 56 years old.
It’s hard at any age to make life work when you’ve been out of reality for any length of time.
Just to let you all know, with what is written so far on my blog about GOD is not because I’m a Jesus freak. I love my God, when I get out of my own way to let Him be in control. I don’t know about you, but I can’t do life by myself, I need help. I didn’t find God behind the chain link, I always believed. I just wanted to do my own thing but whatever anyone compromises to keep, he will lose. It is a daily sometimes hourly process to regroup and get out of my own way.
Anyway, I wanted to let that be known so as to not  turn anyone away from something they might enjoy or benefit from.
I am writing this in a journal so I can put the worthy stuff on my blog, ‘cause I do tend to ramble on.
I will try to write about my experience, good, bad, ugly or indifferent so you can have an idea of my own experience. Life was not supposed to be a struggle but our decisions cause our consequences.
Don’t you just hate that?  
Be back hopefully soon. Would love to hear from you and yours .
Luv, Top Bunkie

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Wet Sheets For Air Conditioning

The Color Orange...
Days of old, it was a treat to receive one of these at the bottom of a Christmas stocking.
On visiting day, a fruit plate is a frequent request. Fresh fruit is a rare event on the inside of the chain-link.
A brontosaurus burger isn't a bad idea either...
I suppose wild poppies aren't altogether rare if you are fortunate enough to be outside where they might naturally occur; which would mean it would be a warm climate and probably uncomfortable for other reasons...
...Wet sheets for air conditioning...

Orange doesn't seem to be the preferred color of choice, once one flies over the chain link...
Of course, black and white stripes aren't particularly exciting either...

Although they could make a fun little fashion statement...or a Halloween costume...
For anyone interested, this beautiful orange rose is available as wallpaper for your desktop at this link.

I guess it is a matter of perspective.

One can be imprisoned in their own mind or free in their own minds while in prison.

Some things are choices, some things aren't.
"One thing I ask from the Lord, this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple." Psalm 27:4
New International Version
Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay