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Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Please Release Me, Let Me Go

Photo link: http://www.storypeople.com/

     My bail was set at $25,000. I had 10 felonies, yes 10!  I was hoping the Judge would “maybe please” let me out on my own recognizance. My hair was growing out silver; pretty if you like to look older than you feel. I think I’ve mentioned I had just turned 51 fifteen days before my arrest.  I was feeling very ugly in mind, spirit, and appearance. I’ve always been concerned with my looks. God forbid you don’t stay as beautiful as possible.  You see, I have always compared my looks with my worth. One of many disillusions I have. Not a happy way to live. I wanted to be TWIGGY from the 60’s. I thought she was It; and because of that, I ended up anorexic and bulimic. I’m still working on the eating issue. Heck I’m still working on everything about me and life. Ideally I’m still 13 years old.  That’s when I started drinking to run from reality; and as you can see it went further than that.
     So much I need to work on in my ripe young age!
     The Judge said, "I DON’T THINK SO!" (As far as for my own recognizance).
     I was devastated and when taken back to the POD, I begged the officer to hand cuff me to a pole outside so I could have a cig. (stay tuned for a story about another pole). PLEASE, let me have just one cig. ‘NOT So MUCH!  One of many phrases I picked up while on vacation.  I like to refer to my absence from life as a long vacation.  What are you suppose to say, the truth?  The truth will be very evident when you start applying for jobs. You play, you pay!
     Oh, the Places You’ll Go! Again, Dr. Seuss.  You must read that book!
     I went back to the break room, in tears.  I realized again how much trouble I was in.  I was scared…and felt as alone as a person can feel.  I couldn’t run to any of my quick fixes, other than eating everything in sight when chow was brought. But then I’d get FAT….NO….not happening! So, I fought daily to not have food be my only happiness. It’s funny how everyone seemed to be able to content themselves except me. 
     I never wanted to play cards much, except the game where you’d shuffle, split and the other person would count the cards and, with their list could tell you who was thinking of you, who loved you etc…It was fun to pretend.   
     I had a terrible time reading without glasses so I would hope to find large print books.   
     As some of you might know, there is just too much time to think of the mess you’re in and the eventual outcome.  I don’t mean to sound so un-funny in my writings but remembering it in sequences does bring on a SLUMP!  (More Dr. Sssss)
     OK, enough of that. Let’s see if I can find a positive ending for this blog. I think this is funny:  An addiction is anything that has more power over you than you do.  When you stop drinking, drugging, you have to deal with this marvelous personality that started  you doing it in the first place.  Alright, not so funny.

Luv, Top Bunkie
If you can't laugh at yourself...who's gonna?
My sister did this to me.
The day of my release.
The Bubble is about to burst! Reality now.
Bubble burst, now to clean up the "mess"!

Monday, May 28, 2012

Get Up, You Ain't Hurt

Rude Awakening: County time

     Waiting, waiting and more waiting to see what you’re really in for; no pun intended.  I remember when I got arrested I was not thinking of the extent of what was to come. Reality hadn’t set in yet. I was busy soaking in the whole process of being processed.  I started to get sober and then I knew this was not going to be enjoyable. I had no idea…. I had acquired sprained or bruised ribs beforehand and was very uncomfortable. Oh well; get over it! The next day, they had to transfer me to a different county about an hour or more away. So goes the whole process again. My new home, county jail! If I remember right I spent 6 months in county or more. I try not to think about it.


     Welcome to the world of gray.  I was taken to “the pod” to be stared at and judged by all. By then I was starting to feel the effects of no chemicals in my body.  I was getting Sober! SON. OF. A. BITCH. EVERYTHING'S. REAL.  With my hurting ribs I was blessed to get the Top Bunk.  Not funny!  Nothing like trying to jump up on a top, hard bunk with no sheets, no pillow, just good ole gray plastic, afraid that you’ll step on the Bunkie below, whom you know not.  Please let it be someone nice.

     Hey Readers of One Flew Over The Chain-Link, let’s play a game?  During the time you were on “vacation” how many Bunkies did you have? Let’s count and compare.
     They say variety is the spice of life. It did keep things a little more interesting.  This is a good game to play when you’re about to be released and you’re in THE WAITING PLACE. (refer to “Oh, the Places
You’ll Go!” By Dr. Seuss)   
     I do have to say most of my Bunkies were very bearable, save one who I will make a whole separate post on later, Momma Rosa. (stay tuned)  
     Some were very near and dear (for a minute) but all were a teacher one way or the other and most were not to be trusted.  This you found out too late, all part of the learning, ha! It’s so nice to be able to laugh about it now.

     See you all again soon.

Luv, Top Bunkie

Monday, May 21, 2012

‘Scuse Me While I Miss The Sky

To all of you that have and maybe are behind the chain link, I hope that my writing will be of worth to you. It will be cleansing  for me.
I didn’t realize at the time that my stint …2½ yrs. could have affected me so much, but it certainly did and has. Remembering the way I felt, the inability to be me, to have to play games to make sure all was in harmony…Wearing orange, seeing orange. Everything was orange and grey. Very depressing. I feel a lot from what my eyes see and if it is not pleasant, I get depressed; kind of like people that need sunshine.
I know if you play you’ll pay so I was alright with my downfall but it never goes away. I got out, or should I say I flew over the chain link in 2010. Not so long ago but I’m 56 years old.
It’s hard at any age to make life work when you’ve been out of reality for any length of time.
Just to let you all know, with what is written so far on my blog about GOD is not because I’m a Jesus freak. I love my God, when I get out of my own way to let Him be in control. I don’t know about you, but I can’t do life by myself, I need help. I didn’t find God behind the chain link, I always believed. I just wanted to do my own thing but whatever anyone compromises to keep, he will lose. It is a daily sometimes hourly process to regroup and get out of my own way.
Anyway, I wanted to let that be known so as to not  turn anyone away from something they might enjoy or benefit from.
I am writing this in a journal so I can put the worthy stuff on my blog, ‘cause I do tend to ramble on.
I will try to write about my experience, good, bad, ugly or indifferent so you can have an idea of my own experience. Life was not supposed to be a struggle but our decisions cause our consequences.
Don’t you just hate that?  
Be back hopefully soon. Would love to hear from you and yours .
Luv, Top Bunkie